I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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