I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
