I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
