A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
