I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
