So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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