I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
