you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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