There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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