Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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