He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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