I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
