The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
