I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
