dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
