nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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