you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
