My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My bed smells like the plague
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
