You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
