laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
