I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
