I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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