I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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