in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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