He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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