between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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