I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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