he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
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I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
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If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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