You're my little dorito
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
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