i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
