He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
