theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
