i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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