my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
