Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
