Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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