I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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