Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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