Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
