just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
