I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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