Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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