Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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