I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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