i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
