Apparently you make a good broom.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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