I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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