Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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