I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize