Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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