Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
