i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
do herpes really smell.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
