If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
