mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize