everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
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