my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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